PolitiPorn™

By Duke, PolitiPorn Int’l Bureau 

In Iraq last week Shi’a Cleric Moqtada al-Sadr decided to double down on a six month ceasefire agreement between his militia and just about everyone else in Iraq. The decision by the Teddy-Bear of Terror to keep his boys on the sideline for another six months was fairly predictable despite plenty of bitching about mistreatment, but the real comedy lay in the pageantry surrounding his announcement.  This prick had the poor taste to deliver his proclamation, during Oscar® week mind you, via sealed envelope to clerics throughout Iraq to be read the next day during morning prayers.

In a tragic side-note one of the ‘presenters’ suffered an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction during the ceremony and hastily checked himself into Promises Rehab Clinic for a quick detox.

Elsewhere in Islamaville, not to be mistaken with Margaritaville, general elections were held in Pakistan and in a brazen departure from tradition someone decided to actually count the votes. Musharraf’s party (the PML-Q for those of you keeping score) got their asses handed to them by securing only 42 seats of the national assembly (out of 342).

Big winners were the PPP (formerly chaired by Bhutto) and former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif’s PML-N party, both opponents of Musharraf. It’s still unclear how badly Musharraf wants to stay relevant, but he would have to try to re-impose emergency rule if he wants to keep his dying show on the road. Meanwhile the PML-N and PPP have already announced an alliance to play badminton with the dictator’s balls. An underreported development in Pakistan occurred in the Northwest Frontier Province (NWFP); previously assumed to be Talibanicious by most experts. The hard-line Islamist party Giulianied the son of a bitch by pulling in just 1.3% of the popular vote (opposed to 12% in the previous contest.) In the NWFP an overwhelming majority of votes went to a secular (does not rhyme with nuclear) Pashtun party. This underscores the two worst kept secrets in South Asia. Pakistanis are moderates and Musharraf is unnecessary.

The headline greedy Muslim world actually gave us one more piece of good news as Kosovo declared its independence from Serbia last Sunday. I guess Bush was right when he said “ethnic cleanse me once shame on you, ethnic cleanse me twice… … you can’t get ethnic cleansed again.” He did the right thing by formally recognizing Kosovo if for no other reason than the fact that these people love us. They named a street after Clinton and refer to Madeleine Albright as, no shit, “Mama Albright.”  As a point of fact, Mr. Albright stopped calling her “Mama Albright” after the wedding, which coincides with the time she stopped doing that little tongue trick that sealed the deal for the marriage. 

The Serbs got the great idea to set fire to the American Embassy during a state sponsored demonstration in retaliation for our support of Kosovo. This certainly earns them a frowning from yours truly as I called the republican walkout the whitest demonstration in history. These people are so white that a single ray of sunshine would turn that whole goddamn country into the Raider’s of the Lost Ark face-melt scene.

In the grand scheme of things it’s tempting to overlook the fact that Fidel Castro decided to relinquish power to his baby brother, 76 year-young Raul. I honestly don’t see the relevance. I guess the populist (communist) bloc in Latin America will be a little weaker, but they already took a hit with Hugo Chavez losing support in Venezuela. Raul was about as comfortable during his warm-up gig as President Bush in a spelling bee. The bottom line is that the Cuban people have suffered this pricktator for a long time and they deserve much better, Raul doesn’t cut it.